Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Atheist Humor--Part 2

Alright, here are a few more for you. :)

1)  Richard Dawkins, Barack Obama and Jesus are standing by a river, wondering how to get across. Jesus suggests they all simply walk across the surface of the water. Dawkins goes first, and to the amazement of the other two, runs lightly across the surface to the other side. Obama follows him, skipping lightly across to join him. Jesus takes two steps and falls into the water up to his neck. Dawkins grins, turns to Obama and says "Good on you for not telling him about the stepping stones."

Obama replies "What stepping stones?"
2) What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

3)  Actual church bulletin announcements:  

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

4) The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.

I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase untill all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop untill Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms.Banyan during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and we take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true.

Thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student recieved the only "A" given.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Movie Review: The Invention of Lying

 The other night, my husband brought home a movie that I had never heard of before--The Invention of Lying. I was skeptical about watching it, and tired to boot, but I stoically agreed to veg on the couch and watch. I have to say that I am so glad I did. If you haven't heard of this movie before, click on the link below and watch the trailer.


Unfortunately, the trailer leaves out the most intriguing part of the storyline for this movie. I don't want to give it away completely, so I'll just say...there is a very humanist/unbeliever-friendly message subtly (or maybe not-so-subtly) contained within the plot, which served as the cherry on top of an already sweet little comedy co-written and directed by Ricky Gervais. In other words, if you'd like to see Biblical comedy turned on its head a bit, this is a great movie to watch. I really enjoyed it and definitely recommend it.

Quote of the Day:

"No man who has ever lived knows more about the hereafter...than you and I; and all religion...is simply evolved out of chicanery, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry."

--Edgar Allan Poe

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Eat Hot Lead, Haji!

This past week, Stephen Colbert did a 'report' on the so-called 'Jesus rifles' that the US military is using in the war in the Middle East. If there ever was a case to be made about the post-9/11 military engagements being anything other than a holy war for many Americans (and in particular, those supplying the weapons), I believe this segment does a pretty good job of shooting that down (pun intended). In fact, I'm fairly certain there are people who see the 'Promised Land' every time the US military writes them their check for their weapons contract. Click on the link below to see what I mean.


Quote of the Day:

"Think not that I am come to send peace on earth; I came not to send peace, but a sword."

--Jesus Christ as cited in Matthew 10:34